Find

"Whenever you're falling down
Hopeless and pushed around
Find your own melody..."

It ain't easy. It's just necessary.

L is not for love

L is not always for "love", if seldom. They ask me if L is for "lies", "lost", "lonely", or "lust". Lust? I wish! The rest take turn to happen as daubs on a canvas called life.

I am still silently passionate about certain things, which keeps me alive. Yet not long ago I realized being alive was far from being lively. I bumped into a long-lost friend named Lost, and he gave me a middle name - Procrastination.

A friend says this feeling is something like a mid-career (?!) crisis which actively hits many a person who is hanging around in his late 20s (again, ?!). I don't know how much of this is true, but I know that when we reach a point on the hillside and have a realistic two-hundred-degree view of the world around us, we are uncertain about whether we should continue the trek to the very top so as to get a full view.

I am no longer interested in staying in put in one place for ever, and yet life sucks without any sense of belonging. I am numb surrounded by those who are so close yet so strange; at the same time, I dislike taking a stroll with myself everyday, memorizing each stone under my feet. There must be something out there, something more than just people getting together or strictly being with yourself.

I've been longing for a macro lens. Some say I'd flood Flickr with silly close-ups, others say a macro lens isn't what I need as ultimately it's my viewfinder that counts.

Perhaps another hillside might give a new view.

Perhaps I just need to turn on a faucet and splash my face, as perhaps water will wash something away.

Rambling on

1. Happy moments and mishaps are just like tangled roses - they circle around you, and you don't know how to get out. In fact, you don't need to get out. You don't know what tomorrow is gonna be until tomorrow really comes - life unfolds as each day passes by. The unexpected. Isn't that what we are living for?

2. This time last year I lost my cell, and yesterday I lost something, much bigger. It wasn't an object but what I'd been sweating for. If you've ever had your diary soaked in the rain, you'd understand. Anyway, either it's a busy month for thieves or it's me who always turn out to be blah blah in December.


3. C: Well I think you cannot do anything now in any way. So, don't you think it is better to think of something else?
M: No holiday mood, totally .
C: Keep going, keep going...
M: Nah it's gone with the thief...
C: Oh c'mon... Don't you know that you have to take more effort to wear a sad face than a smiling one? You have to move at least 17 muscles.
M: I kinda know, but it's hard to lift the muscles up.
C: Start from the cheeks, now lift them up! It sounds stupid but sometimes works.
M: Err, you know, I heard they say if you can't smile, hold a pencil across your mouth... It just seems that I can't do it properly.
C: Ahaha
C: Uhm I'm not sure it works. I'm trying but...
M: Oh you're trying!
C: I can still keep the mouth closed!
...
C: Nope, definitely does not work .
M: You have to keep your mouth open.
C: Ahh... Seems more difficult!
M: It is not, but then you might start drooling...
C: Oh nooo... actually drooling...
M: Haha, I know!
C: Hey... "Haha"? What's that? Perhaps...
C: ... a smile?
M: No, I laughed!


4. Just when I was so determined to get my dream lens (this kind of stuff is always an impulsive buy, by the way), either the shops ran out of stock or the lens was like $100 overpriced. I might plunk down part of the savings on a whim, but if it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, letting time pass by doesn't sound bad. No, not at all.


5. She's just gorgeous. I never believed in having a girlfriend - what I can recall is that girlfriends tend to overdose on gossiping and shopping, which I would say I don't like, if hate. She changed my mind. We share the same love and hate, from photography, the only certain kinds of stuff that forcefully make us drag our legs outdoors to do the so-called shopping, the exact colors that make our favorite palette, to how we are against being taken photos of. I don't like good-looking faces, but I do like her sharp and pretty features. She loves the handicrafts I picked up for her home design. It's hard to believe I could move from cafe to cafe with a smoker for four straight hours, exchanging words and truly enjoying the evening without having to shoot any photo to satisfy myself.


6. It is neither warm nor cool - everyday is a cloudy day with a few drizzles here and there. After four weeks of rain, I start to miss the sharp-edged sun, or at least the warm sunbeams in October in Hanoi. I especially miss the vibrant faces of people riding bikes to work in the first autumn sun rays between rows of leafy trees. I never know why light has such a luminous quality - it radiates gold on faces, it conveys emotions.


7. There is no seventh thing to say... It just feels good to type "seven".

Transparent picture

Things slow down in December. So does my brain.

Things get blurred in the pouring rain. So does my presence.

I start to think about the time when I retire, and picture myself making a living by taking photos for kids at a park where ducks quack around me. I don't think I'll like that. The picture lacks something, or someone.

I temporarily lose my passion for everything. I miss the time when I zestfully left my hair damp from the rain, crawling on my knees and belly in the middle of a lawn, attempting to shoot photos of red-eyed flies and raindrops. Rain is not the reason. The picture lacks something, or someone.

I desperately am looking for a macro lens. I just had a thought that I might fall in love with anyone who gives me a Tamron SP 90mm or a Canon EF 100mm. It might boost my ego a little bit, or help me find the passion for images again.

The rain seeps though a spider web, yet pieces of music just don't seep through me. Someone says I could capture the beauty in my own world through my viewfinder, but in fact my own world is merely flat, with roads white with pebbles and knee-high grass running rampant. Wild and insipid. The picture lacks something, or someone.

"The piano keys are black and white
But they sound like a million colors in your eyes..."

When's that?

Serious conversation

- Turn your head, please, so that I could take a photo of ya...
- No.
- Your face doesn't look good and clean. Can you go wash your face?
- No.
- Smile?
- No.

But when I asked if he could show me how big his belly was, he bent backwards and breathed in to make his belly look like a frog's. Then he gave me a proud smile.

Pro-ed

I've got my Flickr account pro-ed today. It feels just great to have a dream come true, and it's perfect not to have to pay. A pro account to a Flickr addict means much more than its face value, and well, of course, it made my day!

Tản mạn: Protection

"Everyone needs protection," I said, in the weak light from my small lamp clamped on the bed's head board .
"No I don't!" she jumped up from the floor and curled into the blanket.
"You do, hon. You are defending yourself. It's self-protection."
And she was already snoring.

Protection. It's almost non-existent, but...

You have your purse zipped up and avoid ice-cream shops for one whole day after you buy a 1-grant-worth camera. The next day you think you've saved a lot.
You have a scar on your left leg, and when standing, you hide your left leg behind the right one, and lean your arms against the wall so that you won't fall.
You think a rose isn't a rose if without thorns.
You reckon that a boy or a girl just tries, and always fails, to act cool when s/he doesn't have someone to date.
You have a pimple on your face, and you spend 20 bucks on a tube of concealer just to cover it. When you regret later, you spend quite an amount of time persuading yourself into believing that you will of course use it in the future.
...
And one day you feel low, you're scared as you suddenly realize that you can't think of any name to make a phone call to...

Have you ever noticed hair on a poppy's stem? It's protection. A flimsy tent could offer you a little protection in the storm, and a little is whole lot different from none. Life is way better off when you know protection is just around to be found.

It

I call it an end. It's done, finally.

Chin up

Feel

Two people expressed their love on one of my chocolate photo pages. As sweet as any couple could be, he then proposed to her, and in reply she said yes. I'm just feeling pure happiness for them, although I don't know who they are. Well, two people on a cloud.

They must be having a blast; I can't understand their feelings though. What does love feel like? Doesn't it sound like a corny question? You may cry, "Oh, I'm hearing a reprise, over and over again," but I meant differently. One might feel it in a certain way of his own, but he may not know how it feels to his lover. It's just like when you taste chocolate -- you feel bitter on your tastebuds, and yet another person says it's sweet. Have you ever really meant it when you say "How are you?"...

That something you know

-May-

I put my wishes in an envelope
and hide it under my pillow
Wishes are forever wishes
upon the stars above
higher than rooftop snow

I send my hopes to sparrows
On their wings, they will follow
To the north
of moonlit seaports
To the south
where it’s never cold
Along a creek
that shan't sleep
On river banks
where seeds like to grow

I instill my dreams in a nature song
That joyful birds would sing along
That streams would murmur in their flow
And salt breezes would be told
of a rhythm on the leaves
a melody in my soul

Dreams
aren’t only meant to come true
in a sleep, when the day’s through
A secret in golden sands might go
Yet in a day’s picture frame
an aurora ever glows.

Photo: Blue bike (ramblings)

Bikes are a great topic for photographers, perhaps because the vehicle is connected to romantic rides along river banks, under the shadow of maple trees, or on old cobbled roads in the drizzle.

I used to scoff at people who pointed their butts at the sky and took shots of bikes from various angles, from tires to derailleur. And yet one day I found myself doing the exact same thing when an old woman walked past me with a big grin on her face. Here is the product (not a good shot with a dreamy background as described, though), with an application of high key exposure. Anyway, this shows a fact that a photographer always adopts a very bad posture, so excuse me... ;-)

In sepia tone, suggested by im'art:

Tản mạn: On the new year's doorstep

It must be the special hustle and bustle in my city in the afternoon of a 28 Tet like today. There have been a lot of times when we don't get to enjoy the magical 29 Tet (I haven't the faintest idea about the lunar calendar, so don't ask me why); however, to me, when it comes to Tet, 28 is just about equal to 29. Once they all meant eagerness and jubilation.

Have I ever said that I hate shopping? Yet I walked around shops yesterday. Almost all places are blanketed in the festival ambiance, but in this country the ambiance is the same on any holiday - National Day, Mid-Autumn, Christmas, New Year... you name it. It is simply not Tet, despite the fact that shopping centers are decorated with red ornament (they try to make it Chinese, it looks pretty much like X'mas though), and that hundreds of queues in front of cashiers are showing myriad smiling eyes and rosy cheeks.

Around the cannot-be-any-smaller table where I'm sitting, apparently it doesn’t appear to be an extraordinary day. Out of the window, cars and buses are running, the neighbors are as reserved as they've always been, and few weak rays of sunlight are trying to pierce the falling dusk. Inside the house, time stands still.

I've been burying myself in "The Time Traveler's Wife" since early morn', and the prelude goes, "It's hard being left behind... It's hard to be the one who stays. I kept myself busy. Time goes faster that way." I'm helping myself get used to the sound of suitcases hauled off along bricked paths towards cab stands - undeniably, it's always nice to be home, and so, hard to resist thinking about it when you're alone in a big house. I used to scoff at the thought of holing up in a corner on such a big occasion; yet now I'm looking at my impractical shoes, small purses that can't even hide a folded umbrella, shrugging my shoulders, and for no reason I like the ideas of continuing to give myself a haircut while waiting for the kettle to boil, of having a simple dinner with bread, pickles, and a mug of milk, and of leaving my hair damp from washing while crawling around the house to find something to shoot with my old-fashioned camera. It sounds pathetic, but unexpectedly those are the things that can now pierce me with some excitement.

It doesn't feel like Tet at all. When something is in the air but not in your soul, it isn't what you might want to live for. I'll let my attention wander for a while, and who knows, Tet may be back soon. Very soon.

Photo: In the limelight

I can't be serious these days, and I'm busy - busy seeing off the last gloomy days of gloomy 2006. Can't think of any more "tản văn". Perhaps dealing with all crappy stuff in life is too much, or perhaps I've been so addicted to Flickr that refreshing Flickr pages has been my pastime :-|. Long story short, when I concentrate on work, it's work that matters, and when I have spare time, Flickr it is! See, my life is simple: my humble camera is my boyfriend, and Flickr is the back-up :)).

This photo is the first to receive that many good comments. "Nghệ thuật là ánh trăng lừa dối", the flower wasn't as good as it may seem, and what surrounded it was... Well, you may not want to know :-|. I took great efforts to shoot this despite the heavy rain, so whatever it is, I love it together with all the comments. Anyway, a close Flickr friend says it's so typical of me, so of my style. I might try to figure out what is considered as a not-my-style thing and pursue it, you know, for a change.

Rainy days will soon be over, and I shall take a shot of a rainbow...

Never are you a VIP

Now life is ever changing in your eyes.

You've been indulging yourself dreadfully until "Bamm!" - you find yourself in the middle of nowhere. While people around you move on and on, you stay in put and keep wondering which way to go. Not until the moment you feel like a fish out of water do you realize you gotta lift your finger and do something, which means quitting all the goddamn thinking processes. You leave your cloud-cuckoo-land, where you used to live with confidence in your qualities, and your eyes now get fixed on the only line in black and white: you must chase.

Yet it isn’t just in a blink of an eye that you could find your way out and prove yourself. Various disguised obstacles hinder your steps, and you subsequently feel as though a cloud was hangin’ over you. You listen to many more melancholic melodies, and you, “beyond all expectations”, become an insipid old bore. Fortunately, you haven’t totally lost your energy. You persevere with efforts to appear and stay cool in any situation as you know you have to – you think you're able to keep your life in balance by having yourself involved in a lot of different things. Day in, day out you have a finger in every pie, and you suppose that your life is going on just fine. "Nice try," you might think sometimes.

Then there comes another “Bamm!” One evening, while you’re alone in the dark, you rethink your days and finally realize: you've got none in hand. You are not balanced, and all your strides haven't yet led to any result - it feels like you’re being whipped with merely facts which are hard to accept. Why are others there while I'm here? It would be presumptuous of you to comment on them, so you blame yourself and the so-called fate instead. You’ve reached the point where your thinking habit is being a real pain and you’re freaking exhausted being ensnared in thoughts at all times. You’d thought too much before you did something… You see, you gotta learn the phrase “Just do it!”

You are just a teeny weeny little person, no VIP, not even an IP, and you should learn to be a bigger self than yesterday’s. Forget about all smug guys who think the sky is beneath their limits. Forget about social standards. It is way too corny to say this, yet it’s undeniable: every trial is a worthwhile lesson - you face and defeat your own self first, and try not to coax yourself into avoiding toughies, ever.

Something Singaporean

Many would say they're bored with Singapore's blandness.

Singapore is bland, you may tell me. Isn't it so?

No and no... If you spend a little time each day exploring things around you. Singapore has its hidden value. Not somethin' about the way girls dress. Not somethin' about the way people speak English. Not somethin' about queueing and all kinds of cards.

Do you recognize these flowers? Do you remember how fragrant they are? If you don't, just take a stroll along paths one evening, feel a cool breeze from the sea and the fragrance of Vietnamese "hoa quy`nh".

I call these flowers Singaporean "hoa quy`nh".

Photo: Black / White

NUS - Under Central Library


A picture is not complete without a frame.
One is not identified without a name.

Arts, however, can still be absolutely fine with just black and white. Light works wonders.

So can life. Some say life is perfect with things seen in light and dealt with in black and white, but is it always so? At times one is bewitched by something blurred and difficult to understand. Some beauty just can't be explained...

Smile

Today I realized that it is extremely easy to be unhappy, and I myself sometimes thought that happiness was almost nowhere to be found. It's always true when day by day complaints are considered part of every conversation, in lecture theaters, in libraries (of course!), in restaurants, in movie theaters, and even during the honeymoon... We think we need a very good reason to be happy; in fact, we don't. The restriction comes from our own minds, in other words, we are restricting ourselves. We've got bread and we wish to have high-quality bacon or cheese, but millions of people out there are having a hard time earning bread, mere bread, to survive. We'd better put a smile on our faces, to respect life and those who are not born to be as lucky as we are.

I'm trying to smile while swimming in the pool of 4 projs, 4 presentations, 2 essays, 3 tests and 1 final exam. There's a long long way to go till May; however, let us say "Cheeeeeessseeee..." :).

2006, Jan 16 (Mon) - Colors and Faith

What are the colors in life that you can see?

You think love is red. Love can be grey if you lose yourself and are too dependent on it.

You think peace is blue. Blue might have been mixed with red and black, with love and hate, with deaths and lives, with happiness and tears before peace is achieved.

And you think black is black. In fact, you will find any bright color in black if you believe you can. You can turn things around if you don't surrender. You can find luck somewhere after mishaps if you have faith. Black wouldn't be black by then. What will follow depends on your faith.

Life is a spectrum of colors.

Thơ thẩn (Sleepy...)

Feelin' sleepy... Remembering a morning a month ago when half sleeping half thinking of an unidentified person...

Sleepiness

Sleepiness, how I belong to you
Just when the air is wonderfully pure
When the sun is high upon my window pane
You find me, sweetly like the rain...

Sleepiness... you, like one who’s mature
Who tries hard to work and endure
With me, who resists in vain
A daydreamer... will I ever change?...

(08/11/2005)